Anger Management

One of my 50 goals is to play 5 consecutive days of anger-free basketball. I don’t have this problem with chess or tennis singles. I don’t have anyone to get angry with but myself and I KNOW I will play worse if I let anger get in the way. I don’t even allow overly negative thoughts to intrude on my focus. I stay positive because I know that I play better.

I do just fine in doubles – tennis or volleyball. I think because I KNOW I have to keep my partner “up” so that we play better. There’s only one other person to get angry at…and that makes it kind of personal. But basketball? Five-on-five? I lose it almost every time.

Not at my opponents (although fouling me – or teammates – simply because you are beat and there is no real negative to hacking gets under my skin from time to time), but at my teammates. Normally this is due to one of two things:

Either incompetence (in my opinion – definitely NOT humble opinion) from a player who I EXPECT more from. This is key. Our lunchtime ball is awesome. One of the reasons is we have some statesmen (who have been playing lunchtime ball for over 20 years) who make up the first teams (dividing the first 10 to arrive). The idea is to make as equal teams as possible. This means NO stacked teams. This means that sometimes you have a very weak player on your team. That really doesn’t bother me. And when our weaker player makes errors or gets beat – I actually encourage them very positively to keep trying! In fact, I’ve been complemented on my “coaching” of my teammates. BUT, when the teammate, is in my opinion “better” than they are playing…when a good player doesn’t play hard defense or doesn’t try. Or makes stupid plays. When a teammate doesn’t live up to my expectations…I tend to get frustrated. And that frustration then leads to anger.

The other case is when I have someone who insists playing a position or doing things that they are just not capable of – and although all things point to this…they continue to do so. For example an extremely poor three point shooter who, instead of doing what they do well, keeps heaving up three pointers which don’t even draw backboard (much less iron). OK. So, perhaps that’s not so bad either because as the point guard I take it upon myself not to give the opportunities for this to happen. In other words, I won’t give the poor three point shooter the ball behind the arc. But the one case that actually drives me crazy (is only committed by one person really) is when someone who is a horrible point guard insists on playing my position. Yup. It’s not ALL about me, but again, if someone keeps trying to play down low and is poor at it, I don’t have to give them the ball down there. But when a teammate runs over and stands in front of the person taking the ball out of bounds and demands the ball…what can I do? I can ask my teammates to NOT give him the ball. I can steal the ball from him (my teammate) – which may be pretty easy because I’m sure he won’t expect it. Or I can get angry.

Well, actually I haven’t come up with answers for either of the above. So, let me try – because for me to achieve my goal…I HAVE to find ways to stop getting angry. I’ve analyzed the situations when it happens…so now I must find ways to avoid or mitigate or eliminate those situations.

So, for the first case – expectation-based anger. Perhaps I’m giving some players too much credit. Perhaps I should be looking at every player as good, but not great. Stop thinking they know more than me (I KNOW I lack basketball smarts). Just start believing everyone is trying their best. AND that I can help them play better by encouraging them. Become a cheerleader on the court. This doesn’t mean being insincere…but to not assume or expect that my teammates are better than they are at that moment. Give them support. Give them honest, constructive criticism. Give them the benefit of the doubt and encouragement. I CAN DO THIS!

For the other case? This is much harder. I’ve tried letting others play point and just running up the court and playing small forward…and working extra hard. But…ow…this is really tough! I guess I could use suggestions. I’ve tried different tactics (asking the player if he wants to play point or if I can…and if they want to, I just focus on other roles…) and for the most part I think they’ve worked. So perhaps just keeping to that? Combining it with the first case solution may work.

But I’m open to suggestions.

Comparison is the root of all unhappiness

“Comparison is the root of all unhappiness” ~ Martha (camp facilitator).

Really? This made me think.

It was said in “reply” to our team’s efforts to complete a teamwork-building exercise. A the completion of the task, one of our team asked, “so, how fast did the other team do it?” Quite a natural question. A question I would have asked.
Martha’s reply was interesting.

So, I searched via Google to find out if this was an original quotation…

I found “comparison is…”

• The death of happiness


• The thief of joy


• The death of contentment

But I could find nothing conclusive. Perhaps Martha is the originator, and who better to discuss the meaning with than the author? I’ll contact her and post her reply/thoughts as a follow on post. For now, you’ll have to suffer with my own musings on the topic.

The statement struck a chord – I mean, if we weren’t comparing our lives, our salaries, our cars, or the size of our thighs (had to throw that in for the wife), wouldn’t we be happier? If we were totally content with ourselves wouldn’t that require either a positive comparison with our internal standards OR just to simply not compare ourselves with anyone?

Hmmm.

I’m having trouble thinking of how comparing causes me unhappiness. I mean, if I were jealous of others, I guess that would do it. Or if I were full of pride (if I saw myself as better than others), that would eventually lead to unhappiness. The wicked witch (pick one) always seemed unhappy because she compared herself to the younger more beautiful princess which she then tried to destroy. But, that’s a fairy tale.

I find comparison necessary. I don’t enjoy playing a sport or game unless I can compare to a degree – I mean, I HAVE to keep score. It doesn’t always have to be an us and them situation. It could be a collaborative competition – like seeing how many times we could keep a ball alive (tennis) for example.

But I don’t understand people who don’t keep score, who don’t compete. I’ve written about how “Officer’s Compete” earlier…and it still holds. It’s all in the battle and in the journey. I’m totally baffled by those who push for or even support the growing trend in our youth sports where “everyone wins.” Really? How is that possible? Isn’t the definition of winning a competition based on the fact that others lose? Giving trophies to every contestant – I don’t mean Gold, Silver, and Bronze – but everyone winning “gold” is ridiculous! What does THAT teach our youth? That there are no winners? I’m sure I’ll hear that the idea was to have no “losers.” But again, I’m back to the concept of winning vs. losing…can you have one without the other? I DO like giving awards/rewards for effort, for sportsmanship, and competing. BUT, I just don’t get it.

Comparison encourages us to grow, to improve.

What a sorry place we’d be in if there were NO comparisons? Why would we struggle? Why would we try to become “the best?” at anything? We’d be deprived of the “greatest” at anything. Scholars, scientists, writers, artists, athletes, etc. If we didn’t compare we’d settle for our position and situation in life. We’d not know failure, but we’d also not know the joy of success.

If comparison is truly the source of all unhappiness…it would also have to be the foundation of joy. Without comparison, we don’t have happiness, we have stupefied dullness.

Let’s go back to the specific situation that brought about my awareness of the saying. Martha was trying to keep us from getting down because we did worse than someone else. An admirable reason…but perhaps misguided? I did notice (I was an observer more than once of her facilitation techniques) that she used the same comparison she tried to get our team to avoid, to make a different team feel good. When another team finished quickly, she told them they completed it faster than any other team had so far.

So, while comparison can be used to make someone unhappy (almost all insults are a negative comparison), they can also make you feel sooooo good. Even when you are miserable, comparing yourself to someone more miserable, can make you feel a little better.

Final thoughts:

My bouts (as seldom as they may be) of unhappiness seldom come from comparison – or at least I think so. I am occasionally unhappy. I find it usually happens when:

• 1. I let a past event haunt me


• 2. I fail to compete (do my best)


• 3. I get angry (usually at other drivers, incompetence, or unprofessional behavior)


• 4. I think about the inevitable day I can’t do the things I love to do (worry)

To combat these private sources of unhappiness, I (respectively):

• 1. Pray. Pray and refuse to live in the past.


• 2. Hmmm. Rare, since I “hate” not competing, and I LOVE competing. Usually when this occurs (which is unusual), I try harder next time out.


• 3. Pray again. Really. It helps a LOT. Besides praying for all those who suffer with the sin of Wrath, I also do my best to be understanding toward those who incite me to anger. This is easier with drivers (I can make up reasons they drive too slow or too fast). With incompetence and unprofessionalism, I really struggle. Again, in this case, prayer is my only recourse that has had any worth. If you know of something else, I’m open to suggestions.


• 4. I remind myself of another saying, one I DO give full credence to…”We should never worry – because there are only two things we ever worry about…things we can change and things we can’t.” That differentiation is important to me – it’s a source of drive for my personal goal of vision setting. “The things you can’t change – don’t worry over…worrying won’t help! Worrying is a waste of time in that case. The things you can change – don’t worry over…get off your butt and CHANGE THEM!” Simplistic isn’t it? The point is not to waste effort, time, or emotion on worrying…because worrying does you no good.

Granted, you could take each of my personal reasons for stints with unhappiness and say I'm comparing that situation to a time when I was happy, or when those conditions didn't exist. But, I'm pretty sure that would be quibbling. I mean, the gist of the concept is that you are miserable due to comparing your lot to someone else's.

Bottom line for me? While I am reluctant to argue that comparison is not the root of all unhappiness, I am very willing to argue that the path to happiness is NOT avoiding comparison, and that our happiness is, like most everything in our lives, A CHOICE. As the Knight said to Indiana Jones..."choose wisely."