Tarzan he ain’t.

Nope, George of the Jungle crashed into trees as often as he swung from them. Perhaps one of the reasons we love cartoons so much is that they can do almost anything and survive (except for Judge Doom’s invention - Dip) – but of course, we’re not cartoons…and we’re not even in live-action movies made based on them. [Wow, this allows me to not only show Brendan Fraser (almost all of his movies are pure fun) but also Jessica Rabbit!]

All of this toon-based-fun is a preamble to something quite the opposite.

What a horrible feeling. Watching my 25 year-old son swing on a dead tree limb (it was hanging down like a rope) – because he had tried to pull it down and while doing so, found that he could swing to-and-fro on it. Starting from a stand still, he propelled himself off the tree trunk, pushing off with his legs and gaining altitude. He’d swing back toward the tree, cushion the impact with his legs, and push off again, changing direction. Soon after that he swung in a perpendicular arc…and as he reached the apex, the limb finally came free.

Unfortunately, he did a Joe Theisman landing (I purposefully chose not to use those photos). Breaking both bones in his left leg, just above the joint where it meets his foot.

Being a dutiful father, I didn’t laugh. I went to his aid. He was gingerly holding his leg, up by his knee (which he brought in front of him). I looked at the way his foot was laying askew, and told him I thought it was broken. He agreed.

We packed him into the van for the 5 minute ride to the emergency room.

Luck was on our side (the good kind…he had just had his fill of the bad kind). The emergency room was empty. He was seen immediately. Yup. Broken. Surgery at the earliest would be Tuesday to put some hardware in.

After searching for a good specialist – his near-uncle Tim recommended an Orthopedic (bone) surgeon in Saginaw. Well, actually, he asked this doctor if he knew of any good ones in South Bend area…but he didn’t. Also we weren’t sure my son’s insurance would be accepted “across the border.”

The doc in Saginaw suggested we send the x-rays (isn’t technology great?) so I downloaded them from the CD the ER gave us, and sent them via email to both Tim and the Doc. The doc offered to take care of it the next day (Monday).

ROADTRIP!

We shacked up at his Grandparents and waited for a call to see what time to get to the hospital. The call came in the morning, telling us to be there at noon. Tim came to St. Charles and led us to his hospital (he’s an ER doctor there). It was then that I had a flash-back to the military. Not because of the broken bones, the hospital smells (actually this place was very clean, wood floors in the rooms, and nice smiling people), but because of what every good military person knows about appointments. “Hurry Up and Wait.”

And wait.

7 PM he was finally wheeled into the OR preparatory room. About a half hour later he was taken to the operating room. Finally, I got to go eat. Of course it was worse for my son who wasn’t allowed to eat since midnight the night before. I at least had some breakfast. Tim and I shared a dinner at McDonald’s. Then back to waiting. After an hour or so, he was in recovery.

So, here I am on Tuesday (the day after) waiting (I already hurried up) to see if they will release him today or if I have to spend another night at the Grandparents and take him home tomorrow. I can deal with either. Love the grandparents. Miss wife and other kids. And my son is going through a LOT worse than I (basically I’m just waiting a lot).

Funny how much it hurts. Not physically of course – my son has the market on that…and the corner store on pain meds. No, I mean psychological. Of course, I could have told him to stop swinging on the dead branch. I could have told him it was a bad idea. I understand now how onlookers (and videographers) can stand by watching while young people produce new stupid stunts for “Jackass.” I did have the fleeting thought, “I’m sure he realizes it may break at any time and that he will fall to the ground. I’m sure he’s ready for it and will fall on his butt…”

No, none of that causes me pain. The pain is just from worrying how well he’ll recover. How his trip to Europe has to be postponed. How much all of this will cost him (his deductible and co-pay is very high – where is O’Bama’s health plan?). How he won’t be playing sports for a few months…and I worry that he won’t be as able as before.

Then again, I keep reminding myself that God has plans we don’t understand. And if this isn’t part of His plan, He can still use this circumstance to some good. It’s not what happens to you that defines you, it’s how you react. So far my son has reacted with strength, resolve, and a positive attitude.

I’m not surprised that he got here (although I was sure it would have been his buddy that would have done it) and I’m very proud of him for how he’s dealing with the situation.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers, concerns, and support. He’s been facebooking as much as possible…something about one-upping his uncle’s motorcycle accident.

Thanks to Tim especially for the referral, advice, and sitting with us all day on Monday. Thanks to the Grandparents for boarding, compassion, and food. Thanks to Dan for the advice. Thanks to Missy for the cookies. Thanks to Scott and Tara for helping, spending time with the Tarzan-wanabee, and driving him home.

Thanks to all of you.

It really is times of crisis that we are reminded of what friendship is all about.

Anger Management

One of my 50 goals is to play 5 consecutive days of anger-free basketball. I don’t have this problem with chess or tennis singles. I don’t have anyone to get angry with but myself and I KNOW I will play worse if I let anger get in the way. I don’t even allow overly negative thoughts to intrude on my focus. I stay positive because I know that I play better.

I do just fine in doubles – tennis or volleyball. I think because I KNOW I have to keep my partner “up” so that we play better. There’s only one other person to get angry at…and that makes it kind of personal. But basketball? Five-on-five? I lose it almost every time.

Not at my opponents (although fouling me – or teammates – simply because you are beat and there is no real negative to hacking gets under my skin from time to time), but at my teammates. Normally this is due to one of two things:

Either incompetence (in my opinion – definitely NOT humble opinion) from a player who I EXPECT more from. This is key. Our lunchtime ball is awesome. One of the reasons is we have some statesmen (who have been playing lunchtime ball for over 20 years) who make up the first teams (dividing the first 10 to arrive). The idea is to make as equal teams as possible. This means NO stacked teams. This means that sometimes you have a very weak player on your team. That really doesn’t bother me. And when our weaker player makes errors or gets beat – I actually encourage them very positively to keep trying! In fact, I’ve been complemented on my “coaching” of my teammates. BUT, when the teammate, is in my opinion “better” than they are playing…when a good player doesn’t play hard defense or doesn’t try. Or makes stupid plays. When a teammate doesn’t live up to my expectations…I tend to get frustrated. And that frustration then leads to anger.

The other case is when I have someone who insists playing a position or doing things that they are just not capable of – and although all things point to this…they continue to do so. For example an extremely poor three point shooter who, instead of doing what they do well, keeps heaving up three pointers which don’t even draw backboard (much less iron). OK. So, perhaps that’s not so bad either because as the point guard I take it upon myself not to give the opportunities for this to happen. In other words, I won’t give the poor three point shooter the ball behind the arc. But the one case that actually drives me crazy (is only committed by one person really) is when someone who is a horrible point guard insists on playing my position. Yup. It’s not ALL about me, but again, if someone keeps trying to play down low and is poor at it, I don’t have to give them the ball down there. But when a teammate runs over and stands in front of the person taking the ball out of bounds and demands the ball…what can I do? I can ask my teammates to NOT give him the ball. I can steal the ball from him (my teammate) – which may be pretty easy because I’m sure he won’t expect it. Or I can get angry.

Well, actually I haven’t come up with answers for either of the above. So, let me try – because for me to achieve my goal…I HAVE to find ways to stop getting angry. I’ve analyzed the situations when it happens…so now I must find ways to avoid or mitigate or eliminate those situations.

So, for the first case – expectation-based anger. Perhaps I’m giving some players too much credit. Perhaps I should be looking at every player as good, but not great. Stop thinking they know more than me (I KNOW I lack basketball smarts). Just start believing everyone is trying their best. AND that I can help them play better by encouraging them. Become a cheerleader on the court. This doesn’t mean being insincere…but to not assume or expect that my teammates are better than they are at that moment. Give them support. Give them honest, constructive criticism. Give them the benefit of the doubt and encouragement. I CAN DO THIS!

For the other case? This is much harder. I’ve tried letting others play point and just running up the court and playing small forward…and working extra hard. But…ow…this is really tough! I guess I could use suggestions. I’ve tried different tactics (asking the player if he wants to play point or if I can…and if they want to, I just focus on other roles…) and for the most part I think they’ve worked. So perhaps just keeping to that? Combining it with the first case solution may work.

But I’m open to suggestions.

50 Things To Do...Edited

Ok, so it's not a new post...but I finally found 50 things!

1. Draw "Stations" (art) (started over 10 years ago...)
2. Help Irv get published (family)
3. Fully Clean my room (family)
4. Help Kristopher develop a life plan (strategic plan) (family)
5. Help Alyssa develop a life plan (strategic plan) (family)
6. Visit Family (family) DONE!
7. Visit Benji and Pinky (friends)
8. Get to and maintain 160 lbs max (physical health) (started...calorie counting, eating carefully, exercising)
9. Develop a consistent tennis backhand (sports
10. Compete in a Singles Tennis Tournament (want to hit with pace first - sports)
    
11. Stick to exercise program for 6 consecutive months (physical health) (One-a-Days)
12. Eat at least 1 piece of fruit daily for 90 consecutive days (physical health) (Think I completed this one...but lost track. Will restart)
13. Pray daily for another 365 consecutive days (spiritual health) (started Dec 26th - Yeah! one that I'm doing well at!)
14. Try Yoga (physical health) (the Wii I bought should help!)
15. Read the Bible - cover to cover (spiritual health) (will be second time around...)
16. Lower cholesterol within healthy range (physical health) (may be accomplished through eating changes - taking blood test tomorrow)
17. Get body fat % to healthy range (physical health) (may be accomplished through eating changes and #40)
18. Donate 1 million grains of rice through freerice.com (mental health) (plan to start today Dec 27th 09...Started Jan 3rd. If I do it for 500 days, I will have to donate 2,000 a day)
19. Take class on sign language (mental health)
20. Read two books on Albert Einstein - because one just won't be enough (mental health)
21. Read "Numbers" book (mental health) (started, need to finish)
22. Try a martial art (physical health)
23. Learn a full Tai Chi form (physical health)
24. Fast for a week – combined with praying fervently (spiritual health) (Lent 2010 should be a good time)
25. Research (find likely opportunities) for teaching in Michigan (job) (signed up for some search engines which send messages)
26. Participate in seminar business (job)
27. Get five authors in the fold for K4K Books (project) (at 2)
28. Publish at least 10 standards through CEITPS (project) (at 1)
29. Make St. Mark Youth Group viable - have at least 10 active members (church) (DONE!)
30. Sell all stuff (to be sold) in room on Ebay (misc) (began Dec 26th, 2009)
31. Mentor / Coach four people (misc) (three down, one to go)
32. Put out a chess club website for Niles Comm Library club (misc)
33. Become a 3 point shooting threat in basketball (sports) (DONE!)
34. Get published - book (writing) (DONE!)
35. Get published in a mainstream magazine (writing)
36. Get published for a solo writing effort (writing)
37. Finish a publishable novel (writing)
38. Research Live Action Role Playing (and if legal / feasible) participate in one (misc)
39. Complete 100/100 club for 100 days (physical health) (done in past, need to do again)
40. Take 1,000,000 steps in 100 days (physical health) (Have pedometer will travel - started Jan 1,2010...and already need to restart!)
41. Drink 64 ounces of water daily (for at least one month - Health)
42. Donate $1K to St. Mark Youth Group (plan in work - Church)
43. See a 3D movie (maybe at IMAX - Misc)
44. Publish the Niles Chess Club Newsletter (monthly for the school year - misc)
45. Get and keep Inbox @ Zero for 3 months (at least once each week - job)
46. Overcome anger - specifically during basketball (mental health)
47. Learn to sing (misc)
48. Use water pick or floss daily (90 days - physical health)
49. Build complete Simon-Says comedy routine (misc)
50. Develop financial retirement plan (family)
    

Keeping It Simple

Once again my writer’s block has been shattered by my brother (thanks bro!).

“Make it as simple as possible, but no simpler.” – Albert Einstein

Not only do I like the quote for its unadulterated simplicity, but it has real meaning in my job. I created a Metrics Scorecard (a report card for how well we deliver our services). It’s pretty revolutionary in its design. It’s ONLY from one point of view (the customer’s) and provides Effectiveness metrics for each service. It is based on Expectations and how well we meet them VS. being based on goals or thresholds which can be arbitrary and lead to unintended (and unwanted) behaviors. The use of Expectations and the focus strictly on Effectiveness help to make the Scorecard extremely simple. But we were careful not to make it simpler than possible. That would have been disastrous. You ask “how” could it be simpler than possible? Well, if we tried to simplify it to the point that you received one (single) score for a service (we provide scores for each metric – delivery, usage, customer satisfaction and security) that would be too simple. It is important to keep the tiny level of complexity that builds on the theory of triangulation (using multiple data points to pinpoint a meaningful piece of information).

Ok, that was probably much more than you wanted to know. The point is, simple is good. I also like the use of simple English. I abhor those who take a good, clear thought and obliterate it with big words. This is the downfall of many a would be orator. It is also the downfall of the Mission Statements I see in my work. Mission (and Vision) statements should definitely be as simple as possible (but no simpler). It should be easy to remember, to the point, and meaningful.

Metrics? KISS.

Mission Statements? KISS

Your Life? KISS. Yup, even your day-to-day life… Keep it Simple! Work to find ways to make your life simpler. I challenged my brother to find five things, five ways to make his life simpler. I offer the same challenge to each of you and of course, myself. I have another thing to accomplish before turning 50! Simplify my life in 5 measurable / observable ways. Thanks again bro!

Here are some easy ways to start.

• Use automation. Find something you do manually and see if you can automate it. For me this will be an easy one – since much of what I do is on the computer. If you think because I use a computer a lot that the processes I follow are already automated…think again! Even the writing of this post involves multiple steps. I draft in Word, then copy and paste into MS Notepad or Wordpad (to remove most of the crap that Word sticks in). Then I copy and paste into the Blog environment. If I wrote directly in Wordpad or Notepad, I’d save a step.

• Look to improve a process or two. I’ve already done this a bit…but haven’t taken credit for it. For example, I do the recyclables. Well, I used to just store them in the garage until I took them to the recycling plant. Now I pre-sort when I put them in the garage. It simplifies my trip to the plant immensely.

• Find more efficient routes when you travel. Gotta’ love the GPS “detour” function!

• Simplify your athletic performance. For me? My 3-point shot. Or my Tennis serve. Or my ground strokes (which need some work). Simplifying the motion used when playing a sport should improve your results.

• Recently I set up my email folders so I can successfully get my “inbox to zero.” It has simplified my life and reduced my stress levels (I used to have 100’s of emails in my inbox and always felt at an internal level that I was falling further and further behind). Psychologically, having my inbox at zero is very healthy.

Bottom line? Making things simpler is usually worth the effort. Just don’t try to make it too simple.

Be Careful What You Pray For

You might just get it!

My good friend Troy mentioned something interesting. He said that whenever he hears a recording of his voice or a picture of himself, he says, “yikes!” I fully understand this. In fact, I’m now wondering if the total disconnect on how we see ourselves (in comparison to how others see us) may be the root of all unhappiness. Here is the basic issue.

Not only do we sound different in our own hearing (heads) than others hear us, but we also have a picture in our heads of who we are. Not just how we look to others. Who we “are.” We’re amazed when people see us differently (especially in a “bad” light). Sometimes we’re surprised when we’re seen in a “better light” than we see ourselves. It’s good for our ego, and is proof of our humility. But the point is, how we see others (different than they see themselves) and how we see ourselves (different than how others see us) creates a LOT of issues in our lives.

Misunderstandings, confusion, hurt feelings, anger, etc.

I did a post recently on making a change within first…dealing with the “man in the mirror” before we start seeking to change others. This could seem to be on the same topic…
My very last post was about Comparison being the Root of All Unhappiness. This definitely can be seen as a continuation of that.

Ever wonder why I call this “Chaos Simplified?”

If we could see ourselves as others do, what a difference that would make! We’d know when we’re being insensitive, when we are aggravating others, when we’re seen as less than truthful. We’d know when we were cute, handsome, pretty, or sexy. We’d know when we were being ugly.

Perhaps my daily prayer should be, “Lord help me to see myself as others see me.”

I’m not sure I could handle it if God granted me such a wish.

Could you?

Comparison is the root of all unhappiness

“Comparison is the root of all unhappiness” ~ Martha (camp facilitator).

Really? This made me think.

It was said in “reply” to our team’s efforts to complete a teamwork-building exercise. A the completion of the task, one of our team asked, “so, how fast did the other team do it?” Quite a natural question. A question I would have asked.
Martha’s reply was interesting.

So, I searched via Google to find out if this was an original quotation…

I found “comparison is…”

• The death of happiness


• The thief of joy


• The death of contentment

But I could find nothing conclusive. Perhaps Martha is the originator, and who better to discuss the meaning with than the author? I’ll contact her and post her reply/thoughts as a follow on post. For now, you’ll have to suffer with my own musings on the topic.

The statement struck a chord – I mean, if we weren’t comparing our lives, our salaries, our cars, or the size of our thighs (had to throw that in for the wife), wouldn’t we be happier? If we were totally content with ourselves wouldn’t that require either a positive comparison with our internal standards OR just to simply not compare ourselves with anyone?

Hmmm.

I’m having trouble thinking of how comparing causes me unhappiness. I mean, if I were jealous of others, I guess that would do it. Or if I were full of pride (if I saw myself as better than others), that would eventually lead to unhappiness. The wicked witch (pick one) always seemed unhappy because she compared herself to the younger more beautiful princess which she then tried to destroy. But, that’s a fairy tale.

I find comparison necessary. I don’t enjoy playing a sport or game unless I can compare to a degree – I mean, I HAVE to keep score. It doesn’t always have to be an us and them situation. It could be a collaborative competition – like seeing how many times we could keep a ball alive (tennis) for example.

But I don’t understand people who don’t keep score, who don’t compete. I’ve written about how “Officer’s Compete” earlier…and it still holds. It’s all in the battle and in the journey. I’m totally baffled by those who push for or even support the growing trend in our youth sports where “everyone wins.” Really? How is that possible? Isn’t the definition of winning a competition based on the fact that others lose? Giving trophies to every contestant – I don’t mean Gold, Silver, and Bronze – but everyone winning “gold” is ridiculous! What does THAT teach our youth? That there are no winners? I’m sure I’ll hear that the idea was to have no “losers.” But again, I’m back to the concept of winning vs. losing…can you have one without the other? I DO like giving awards/rewards for effort, for sportsmanship, and competing. BUT, I just don’t get it.

Comparison encourages us to grow, to improve.

What a sorry place we’d be in if there were NO comparisons? Why would we struggle? Why would we try to become “the best?” at anything? We’d be deprived of the “greatest” at anything. Scholars, scientists, writers, artists, athletes, etc. If we didn’t compare we’d settle for our position and situation in life. We’d not know failure, but we’d also not know the joy of success.

If comparison is truly the source of all unhappiness…it would also have to be the foundation of joy. Without comparison, we don’t have happiness, we have stupefied dullness.

Let’s go back to the specific situation that brought about my awareness of the saying. Martha was trying to keep us from getting down because we did worse than someone else. An admirable reason…but perhaps misguided? I did notice (I was an observer more than once of her facilitation techniques) that she used the same comparison she tried to get our team to avoid, to make a different team feel good. When another team finished quickly, she told them they completed it faster than any other team had so far.

So, while comparison can be used to make someone unhappy (almost all insults are a negative comparison), they can also make you feel sooooo good. Even when you are miserable, comparing yourself to someone more miserable, can make you feel a little better.

Final thoughts:

My bouts (as seldom as they may be) of unhappiness seldom come from comparison – or at least I think so. I am occasionally unhappy. I find it usually happens when:

• 1. I let a past event haunt me


• 2. I fail to compete (do my best)


• 3. I get angry (usually at other drivers, incompetence, or unprofessional behavior)


• 4. I think about the inevitable day I can’t do the things I love to do (worry)

To combat these private sources of unhappiness, I (respectively):

• 1. Pray. Pray and refuse to live in the past.


• 2. Hmmm. Rare, since I “hate” not competing, and I LOVE competing. Usually when this occurs (which is unusual), I try harder next time out.


• 3. Pray again. Really. It helps a LOT. Besides praying for all those who suffer with the sin of Wrath, I also do my best to be understanding toward those who incite me to anger. This is easier with drivers (I can make up reasons they drive too slow or too fast). With incompetence and unprofessionalism, I really struggle. Again, in this case, prayer is my only recourse that has had any worth. If you know of something else, I’m open to suggestions.


• 4. I remind myself of another saying, one I DO give full credence to…”We should never worry – because there are only two things we ever worry about…things we can change and things we can’t.” That differentiation is important to me – it’s a source of drive for my personal goal of vision setting. “The things you can’t change – don’t worry over…worrying won’t help! Worrying is a waste of time in that case. The things you can change – don’t worry over…get off your butt and CHANGE THEM!” Simplistic isn’t it? The point is not to waste effort, time, or emotion on worrying…because worrying does you no good.

Granted, you could take each of my personal reasons for stints with unhappiness and say I'm comparing that situation to a time when I was happy, or when those conditions didn't exist. But, I'm pretty sure that would be quibbling. I mean, the gist of the concept is that you are miserable due to comparing your lot to someone else's.

Bottom line for me? While I am reluctant to argue that comparison is not the root of all unhappiness, I am very willing to argue that the path to happiness is NOT avoiding comparison, and that our happiness is, like most everything in our lives, A CHOICE. As the Knight said to Indiana Jones..."choose wisely."

I Miss The Military

“All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” (a book by Robert Fulghum) isn’t quite true for me…but if I substitute “the military” for “Kindergarten” I’d be a lot closer to the truth. While it irks me when I hear the “well, at my last job we did it like this…” refrain, I must say, after 20 years in the military that it’s worth citing those experiences from time to time. Here are some of the things I’ve learned (Jeff, who recently joined the Navy and is on active duty may help me expound on the list…)

I learned:

• The difference between followership and leadership


• The difference between managing and leading


• How to march


• The deeply intrinsic joy of comradeship


• How to follow orders


• How to give orders


• How to train


• How to educate


• How to mentor, guide and coach


• The value of tradition


• The worth of discipline


• The benefits of rules


• The meanings of more acronyms than I can ever need, but also some really good ones! (SNAFU and FUBAR for example)


• The joy of moving, in step, in sync, smoothly and with precision - (with one other Airman, with a flight, or with an entire squadron)


• The meaning of a salute


• Determination


• That “officers compete”


• Love of my country, my family, our flag


• Respect for others – all others, and especially those who gave their limbs and/or lives for me


• How to stand and sit erect (vs. slouching)


• How to ask for forgiveness (and not permission)


• How and when to take risks


• When to disobey orders


• When to stand out, when to step up, and when to sit down


• How to say nothing often (not that I do this much)


• How to make things happen


• How to be a team
  
  

So, what brought on this recall? Was it a lesson I taught? Was it an opportunity to lead an activity? Was it a challenge to take charge of an event? Nope. I was walking down the hall. I caught up to a coworker (I walk NY fast), and decided to do a half-step and get into stride with him. We “marched” down the hall. It felt GREAT! I hadn’t even realized that I missed it. I mean, marching was always a chore in the service. It’s hard to describe. Probably synchronized swimmers or ball room dancers would easily understand – but the rest of us, I’m not sure it translates. Being lockstep with someone else, moving together, separate but one. Individual but a team. It feels great.

I miss it.