Advent

What a great time of year!

Thanksgiving is in the rear-view-mirror (you know because of all the new junk in your trunk) and the Advent season is upon us. Even if you don’t follow the Birth of Christ, you can get excited about the ramp up to the College Football Bowl Games!

Personally, I enjoy this time because I start my annual search for the “perfect” Christmas gift for my lovely wife. Each year we have some traditions about Christmas presents.

1. We are NOT allowed to buy anything for ourselves after an agreed upon date in November (usually before Thanksgiving) – lest we ruin Christmas (not for ourselves but for the gift giver). I did this one year. I bought something after the deadline and OF COURSE, I got the exact same thing for Christmas. I’m still trying to live that error down.
   



2. We (all of us) make “wish lists” so that we know what to get each other. Of course, the list isn’t all-inclusive nor is it mandatory that you get something off the list. I’ve been wanting to improve this process for awhile (no surprise there!). I mean, when I want to get someone something off the list, I have to check with the other adults in the house (there a total of four now!) to see if they already bought it! I don’t worry too much about the kids…I just ask the wife what we got them…but my wife’s list quickly gets filled and I’m left to get socks.
   



3. The surprise – Part One. I don’t knowing everything I’m getting. I like a surprise. Of course, I run the risk of getting something I don’t really like. Then I have to smile and act like I like it. Regardless of how many times the wife says, “if you don’t like it you can return it and get something else” I KNOW BETTER! The temperature in the house drops at least 20 degrees if I say, “yup, that’s going back.” So, I’ve learned NOT to return anything. Of course if it doesn’t fit, or has a defect – I can return it and POSSIBLY change it slightly (like get the blue one instead of the bright pink).
   



4. The surprise – Part Two. Because of my own feelings about knowing everything I’m getting, I project that on my wife too. I HAVE to find her a surprise gift. Something she didn’t ask for. Preferably something she WOULDN’T ask for! Something either too impractical or something she hadn’t thought about – EVER! Of course I run a big risk that she won’t like it. I understand that. But that’s the fun. The challenge.
   

I’ve learned a lot about my wife over the last 26+ years of marriage. I know not to surprise her with certain things. She doesn’t wear much jewelry. She likes to pick out her own clothes. She’s not much of a Techie. So, I have to search, dig, and hunt. It’s not easy…but it’s worth it. Even when I strike out and get her something that I know she doesn’t like (of course no matter how much I encourage her to return it, she won’t…instead it gathers dust under our bed or in the closet) – it’s worth it. She knows I love her. She knows all the work and effort I put into finding her the “perfect” gift.

At least that’s what I like to believe.

Knowing my wife (I really do!) – she’d actually (probably) be happier if I got only things from her list.

But hey – it’s a tradition.

So the hunt begins. Via the internet, via mall walks, via friends ideas. If any of you have any ideas…I’m all ears!

Happy Thoughts

Fighting back the inevitable. When you’re young…under 21 for sure, it feels like you’ll live forever. You don’t contemplate death (unless you are clinically depressed – which is a topic I can’t and won’t cover here). No, I’m talking about the invincibility of youth. We lost a 21 year old student the other day to a freak accident and it affected the whole campus. I didn’t know him personally, but I felt a loss. I felt pain. For his family and for him. And, for our University. The needless death of anyone, but especially the young, hurts.

I guess I was different growing up. I always thought I’d die before I reached 18…due to the simple logic that I could not imagine life at or after 18, so therefore I must be going to die before then. What a blur my 20 glorious years in the Air Force are. What a blur most of my life has been. Of course I have instances, moments in time, which are etched with a sharp knife into my memory. Most of those are bad things. Most of those memories are painful. I pray daily that God have mercy on those who are haunted by their past…especially myself. The concept in “Hook” is actually awesome…”you can’t fly Peter because you forgot your happy thoughts.” If you can remember your happy thoughts, you will be young again…you’ll be Peter Pan (instead of Peter Panning).

Peter (Robin Williams) remembers his happy thoughts. The birth of his son. And then the flood gates open. I’m thinking I need to sit and meditate. I need to contemplate my past. I need to find my happy thoughts. I need to find my happy memories if I want to stay young. And Lord knows, I want to stay young. As I approach 50, I realize my mortality all too well. I think that 20 years ago, only 1990, I was in the Air Force, I had two children, life was good. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great today. But, thinking 20 years into the future…I’ll be turning 70! How much can I fit in the next twenty years?

What just came to me though…in the midst of jotting down for you my fears, my anxiety about growing old, about dying…is…it doesn’t matter! My problem isn’t the future. My problem is forgetting my past. Not the painful memories (the wrongs done to me, the wrongs I’ve done) but the “happy thoughts.” What good is living the next 10, 20 or more years to the fullest if I can’t even remember them? Each day I need to spend some time finding my happy thoughts. I need to appreciate my past, my life. The gifts which were given to me.

People. My beautiful children. Lot’s of memories there…not just their birth but their adolescence, their youth, and now their young adulthood. Alyssa’s art, writing, sports and love of movies. Kristopher’s gaming, sports, kindness, and affinity for doing the ridiculous (did you read about Tarzan?). Grace’s super sweet cuteness, the faces she makes, and even at four, her cute voice. Molly, our late addition – all of the trials and tribulations, the unlearning and relearning. Her ability to be kind, considerate, and a big sister. My wife. My family. My friends. People who have helped me. People I’ve helped.

Places. Where we’ve lived. Where we’ve visited. Sites I’ve seen. From Monterey California to New York. From the shores of oceans to the shores of lakes so big it looks like an ocean. Plane flights and car rides. Funerals, parties, weddings, and anniversary celebrations. I’m not as well traveled as others but then again, I’ve never been much for tourism and sight-seeing.

Things. Not material things. No, things I’ve done. Things I’ve accomplished. Winning games, winning matches, winning sports – yup, I am a competitor. Writing a book! Writing another with my daughter. Coaching sports, individuals, and organizations. Teaching. Preaching. Speaking. Helping. Serving. Loving.

A life time is made up of mistakes and happy thoughts. We need to stop occasionally (before it’s too late) and meditate on our happy thoughts. We need to banish the mistakes from our conscience (except to ensure we don’t repeat them). We cannot let our precious moments (time is too valuable – trust me on this one!) be wasted on reliving mistakes. We have to seek out, grasp, and hold tight to those happy thoughts so that like Peter Panning, we can be what we were, we can be what we are meant to be – Peter Pan.

Tarzan he ain’t.

Nope, George of the Jungle crashed into trees as often as he swung from them. Perhaps one of the reasons we love cartoons so much is that they can do almost anything and survive (except for Judge Doom’s invention - Dip) – but of course, we’re not cartoons…and we’re not even in live-action movies made based on them. [Wow, this allows me to not only show Brendan Fraser (almost all of his movies are pure fun) but also Jessica Rabbit!]

All of this toon-based-fun is a preamble to something quite the opposite.

What a horrible feeling. Watching my 25 year-old son swing on a dead tree limb (it was hanging down like a rope) – because he had tried to pull it down and while doing so, found that he could swing to-and-fro on it. Starting from a stand still, he propelled himself off the tree trunk, pushing off with his legs and gaining altitude. He’d swing back toward the tree, cushion the impact with his legs, and push off again, changing direction. Soon after that he swung in a perpendicular arc…and as he reached the apex, the limb finally came free.

Unfortunately, he did a Joe Theisman landing (I purposefully chose not to use those photos). Breaking both bones in his left leg, just above the joint where it meets his foot.

Being a dutiful father, I didn’t laugh. I went to his aid. He was gingerly holding his leg, up by his knee (which he brought in front of him). I looked at the way his foot was laying askew, and told him I thought it was broken. He agreed.

We packed him into the van for the 5 minute ride to the emergency room.

Luck was on our side (the good kind…he had just had his fill of the bad kind). The emergency room was empty. He was seen immediately. Yup. Broken. Surgery at the earliest would be Tuesday to put some hardware in.

After searching for a good specialist – his near-uncle Tim recommended an Orthopedic (bone) surgeon in Saginaw. Well, actually, he asked this doctor if he knew of any good ones in South Bend area…but he didn’t. Also we weren’t sure my son’s insurance would be accepted “across the border.”

The doc in Saginaw suggested we send the x-rays (isn’t technology great?) so I downloaded them from the CD the ER gave us, and sent them via email to both Tim and the Doc. The doc offered to take care of it the next day (Monday).

ROADTRIP!

We shacked up at his Grandparents and waited for a call to see what time to get to the hospital. The call came in the morning, telling us to be there at noon. Tim came to St. Charles and led us to his hospital (he’s an ER doctor there). It was then that I had a flash-back to the military. Not because of the broken bones, the hospital smells (actually this place was very clean, wood floors in the rooms, and nice smiling people), but because of what every good military person knows about appointments. “Hurry Up and Wait.”

And wait.

7 PM he was finally wheeled into the OR preparatory room. About a half hour later he was taken to the operating room. Finally, I got to go eat. Of course it was worse for my son who wasn’t allowed to eat since midnight the night before. I at least had some breakfast. Tim and I shared a dinner at McDonald’s. Then back to waiting. After an hour or so, he was in recovery.

So, here I am on Tuesday (the day after) waiting (I already hurried up) to see if they will release him today or if I have to spend another night at the Grandparents and take him home tomorrow. I can deal with either. Love the grandparents. Miss wife and other kids. And my son is going through a LOT worse than I (basically I’m just waiting a lot).

Funny how much it hurts. Not physically of course – my son has the market on that…and the corner store on pain meds. No, I mean psychological. Of course, I could have told him to stop swinging on the dead branch. I could have told him it was a bad idea. I understand now how onlookers (and videographers) can stand by watching while young people produce new stupid stunts for “Jackass.” I did have the fleeting thought, “I’m sure he realizes it may break at any time and that he will fall to the ground. I’m sure he’s ready for it and will fall on his butt…”

No, none of that causes me pain. The pain is just from worrying how well he’ll recover. How his trip to Europe has to be postponed. How much all of this will cost him (his deductible and co-pay is very high – where is O’Bama’s health plan?). How he won’t be playing sports for a few months…and I worry that he won’t be as able as before.

Then again, I keep reminding myself that God has plans we don’t understand. And if this isn’t part of His plan, He can still use this circumstance to some good. It’s not what happens to you that defines you, it’s how you react. So far my son has reacted with strength, resolve, and a positive attitude.

I’m not surprised that he got here (although I was sure it would have been his buddy that would have done it) and I’m very proud of him for how he’s dealing with the situation.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers, concerns, and support. He’s been facebooking as much as possible…something about one-upping his uncle’s motorcycle accident.

Thanks to Tim especially for the referral, advice, and sitting with us all day on Monday. Thanks to the Grandparents for boarding, compassion, and food. Thanks to Dan for the advice. Thanks to Missy for the cookies. Thanks to Scott and Tara for helping, spending time with the Tarzan-wanabee, and driving him home.

Thanks to all of you.

It really is times of crisis that we are reminded of what friendship is all about.

Anger Management

One of my 50 goals is to play 5 consecutive days of anger-free basketball. I don’t have this problem with chess or tennis singles. I don’t have anyone to get angry with but myself and I KNOW I will play worse if I let anger get in the way. I don’t even allow overly negative thoughts to intrude on my focus. I stay positive because I know that I play better.

I do just fine in doubles – tennis or volleyball. I think because I KNOW I have to keep my partner “up” so that we play better. There’s only one other person to get angry at…and that makes it kind of personal. But basketball? Five-on-five? I lose it almost every time.

Not at my opponents (although fouling me – or teammates – simply because you are beat and there is no real negative to hacking gets under my skin from time to time), but at my teammates. Normally this is due to one of two things:

Either incompetence (in my opinion – definitely NOT humble opinion) from a player who I EXPECT more from. This is key. Our lunchtime ball is awesome. One of the reasons is we have some statesmen (who have been playing lunchtime ball for over 20 years) who make up the first teams (dividing the first 10 to arrive). The idea is to make as equal teams as possible. This means NO stacked teams. This means that sometimes you have a very weak player on your team. That really doesn’t bother me. And when our weaker player makes errors or gets beat – I actually encourage them very positively to keep trying! In fact, I’ve been complemented on my “coaching” of my teammates. BUT, when the teammate, is in my opinion “better” than they are playing…when a good player doesn’t play hard defense or doesn’t try. Or makes stupid plays. When a teammate doesn’t live up to my expectations…I tend to get frustrated. And that frustration then leads to anger.

The other case is when I have someone who insists playing a position or doing things that they are just not capable of – and although all things point to this…they continue to do so. For example an extremely poor three point shooter who, instead of doing what they do well, keeps heaving up three pointers which don’t even draw backboard (much less iron). OK. So, perhaps that’s not so bad either because as the point guard I take it upon myself not to give the opportunities for this to happen. In other words, I won’t give the poor three point shooter the ball behind the arc. But the one case that actually drives me crazy (is only committed by one person really) is when someone who is a horrible point guard insists on playing my position. Yup. It’s not ALL about me, but again, if someone keeps trying to play down low and is poor at it, I don’t have to give them the ball down there. But when a teammate runs over and stands in front of the person taking the ball out of bounds and demands the ball…what can I do? I can ask my teammates to NOT give him the ball. I can steal the ball from him (my teammate) – which may be pretty easy because I’m sure he won’t expect it. Or I can get angry.

Well, actually I haven’t come up with answers for either of the above. So, let me try – because for me to achieve my goal…I HAVE to find ways to stop getting angry. I’ve analyzed the situations when it happens…so now I must find ways to avoid or mitigate or eliminate those situations.

So, for the first case – expectation-based anger. Perhaps I’m giving some players too much credit. Perhaps I should be looking at every player as good, but not great. Stop thinking they know more than me (I KNOW I lack basketball smarts). Just start believing everyone is trying their best. AND that I can help them play better by encouraging them. Become a cheerleader on the court. This doesn’t mean being insincere…but to not assume or expect that my teammates are better than they are at that moment. Give them support. Give them honest, constructive criticism. Give them the benefit of the doubt and encouragement. I CAN DO THIS!

For the other case? This is much harder. I’ve tried letting others play point and just running up the court and playing small forward…and working extra hard. But…ow…this is really tough! I guess I could use suggestions. I’ve tried different tactics (asking the player if he wants to play point or if I can…and if they want to, I just focus on other roles…) and for the most part I think they’ve worked. So perhaps just keeping to that? Combining it with the first case solution may work.

But I’m open to suggestions.

50 Things To Do...Edited

Ok, so it's not a new post...but I finally found 50 things!

1. Draw "Stations" (art) (started over 10 years ago...)
2. Help Irv get published (family)
3. Fully Clean my room (family)
4. Help Kristopher develop a life plan (strategic plan) (family)
5. Help Alyssa develop a life plan (strategic plan) (family)
6. Visit Family (family) DONE!
7. Visit Benji and Pinky (friends)
8. Get to and maintain 160 lbs max (physical health) (started...calorie counting, eating carefully, exercising)
9. Develop a consistent tennis backhand (sports
10. Compete in a Singles Tennis Tournament (want to hit with pace first - sports)
    
11. Stick to exercise program for 6 consecutive months (physical health) (One-a-Days)
12. Eat at least 1 piece of fruit daily for 90 consecutive days (physical health) (Think I completed this one...but lost track. Will restart)
13. Pray daily for another 365 consecutive days (spiritual health) (started Dec 26th - Yeah! one that I'm doing well at!)
14. Try Yoga (physical health) (the Wii I bought should help!)
15. Read the Bible - cover to cover (spiritual health) (will be second time around...)
16. Lower cholesterol within healthy range (physical health) (may be accomplished through eating changes - taking blood test tomorrow)
17. Get body fat % to healthy range (physical health) (may be accomplished through eating changes and #40)
18. Donate 1 million grains of rice through freerice.com (mental health) (plan to start today Dec 27th 09...Started Jan 3rd. If I do it for 500 days, I will have to donate 2,000 a day)
19. Take class on sign language (mental health)
20. Read two books on Albert Einstein - because one just won't be enough (mental health)
21. Read "Numbers" book (mental health) (started, need to finish)
22. Try a martial art (physical health)
23. Learn a full Tai Chi form (physical health)
24. Fast for a week – combined with praying fervently (spiritual health) (Lent 2010 should be a good time)
25. Research (find likely opportunities) for teaching in Michigan (job) (signed up for some search engines which send messages)
26. Participate in seminar business (job)
27. Get five authors in the fold for K4K Books (project) (at 2)
28. Publish at least 10 standards through CEITPS (project) (at 1)
29. Make St. Mark Youth Group viable - have at least 10 active members (church) (DONE!)
30. Sell all stuff (to be sold) in room on Ebay (misc) (began Dec 26th, 2009)
31. Mentor / Coach four people (misc) (three down, one to go)
32. Put out a chess club website for Niles Comm Library club (misc)
33. Become a 3 point shooting threat in basketball (sports) (DONE!)
34. Get published - book (writing) (DONE!)
35. Get published in a mainstream magazine (writing)
36. Get published for a solo writing effort (writing)
37. Finish a publishable novel (writing)
38. Research Live Action Role Playing (and if legal / feasible) participate in one (misc)
39. Complete 100/100 club for 100 days (physical health) (done in past, need to do again)
40. Take 1,000,000 steps in 100 days (physical health) (Have pedometer will travel - started Jan 1,2010...and already need to restart!)
41. Drink 64 ounces of water daily (for at least one month - Health)
42. Donate $1K to St. Mark Youth Group (plan in work - Church)
43. See a 3D movie (maybe at IMAX - Misc)
44. Publish the Niles Chess Club Newsletter (monthly for the school year - misc)
45. Get and keep Inbox @ Zero for 3 months (at least once each week - job)
46. Overcome anger - specifically during basketball (mental health)
47. Learn to sing (misc)
48. Use water pick or floss daily (90 days - physical health)
49. Build complete Simon-Says comedy routine (misc)
50. Develop financial retirement plan (family)
    

Keeping It Simple

Once again my writer’s block has been shattered by my brother (thanks bro!).

“Make it as simple as possible, but no simpler.” – Albert Einstein

Not only do I like the quote for its unadulterated simplicity, but it has real meaning in my job. I created a Metrics Scorecard (a report card for how well we deliver our services). It’s pretty revolutionary in its design. It’s ONLY from one point of view (the customer’s) and provides Effectiveness metrics for each service. It is based on Expectations and how well we meet them VS. being based on goals or thresholds which can be arbitrary and lead to unintended (and unwanted) behaviors. The use of Expectations and the focus strictly on Effectiveness help to make the Scorecard extremely simple. But we were careful not to make it simpler than possible. That would have been disastrous. You ask “how” could it be simpler than possible? Well, if we tried to simplify it to the point that you received one (single) score for a service (we provide scores for each metric – delivery, usage, customer satisfaction and security) that would be too simple. It is important to keep the tiny level of complexity that builds on the theory of triangulation (using multiple data points to pinpoint a meaningful piece of information).

Ok, that was probably much more than you wanted to know. The point is, simple is good. I also like the use of simple English. I abhor those who take a good, clear thought and obliterate it with big words. This is the downfall of many a would be orator. It is also the downfall of the Mission Statements I see in my work. Mission (and Vision) statements should definitely be as simple as possible (but no simpler). It should be easy to remember, to the point, and meaningful.

Metrics? KISS.

Mission Statements? KISS

Your Life? KISS. Yup, even your day-to-day life… Keep it Simple! Work to find ways to make your life simpler. I challenged my brother to find five things, five ways to make his life simpler. I offer the same challenge to each of you and of course, myself. I have another thing to accomplish before turning 50! Simplify my life in 5 measurable / observable ways. Thanks again bro!

Here are some easy ways to start.

• Use automation. Find something you do manually and see if you can automate it. For me this will be an easy one – since much of what I do is on the computer. If you think because I use a computer a lot that the processes I follow are already automated…think again! Even the writing of this post involves multiple steps. I draft in Word, then copy and paste into MS Notepad or Wordpad (to remove most of the crap that Word sticks in). Then I copy and paste into the Blog environment. If I wrote directly in Wordpad or Notepad, I’d save a step.

• Look to improve a process or two. I’ve already done this a bit…but haven’t taken credit for it. For example, I do the recyclables. Well, I used to just store them in the garage until I took them to the recycling plant. Now I pre-sort when I put them in the garage. It simplifies my trip to the plant immensely.

• Find more efficient routes when you travel. Gotta’ love the GPS “detour” function!

• Simplify your athletic performance. For me? My 3-point shot. Or my Tennis serve. Or my ground strokes (which need some work). Simplifying the motion used when playing a sport should improve your results.

• Recently I set up my email folders so I can successfully get my “inbox to zero.” It has simplified my life and reduced my stress levels (I used to have 100’s of emails in my inbox and always felt at an internal level that I was falling further and further behind). Psychologically, having my inbox at zero is very healthy.

Bottom line? Making things simpler is usually worth the effort. Just don’t try to make it too simple.

Be Careful What You Pray For

You might just get it!

My good friend Troy mentioned something interesting. He said that whenever he hears a recording of his voice or a picture of himself, he says, “yikes!” I fully understand this. In fact, I’m now wondering if the total disconnect on how we see ourselves (in comparison to how others see us) may be the root of all unhappiness. Here is the basic issue.

Not only do we sound different in our own hearing (heads) than others hear us, but we also have a picture in our heads of who we are. Not just how we look to others. Who we “are.” We’re amazed when people see us differently (especially in a “bad” light). Sometimes we’re surprised when we’re seen in a “better light” than we see ourselves. It’s good for our ego, and is proof of our humility. But the point is, how we see others (different than they see themselves) and how we see ourselves (different than how others see us) creates a LOT of issues in our lives.

Misunderstandings, confusion, hurt feelings, anger, etc.

I did a post recently on making a change within first…dealing with the “man in the mirror” before we start seeking to change others. This could seem to be on the same topic…
My very last post was about Comparison being the Root of All Unhappiness. This definitely can be seen as a continuation of that.

Ever wonder why I call this “Chaos Simplified?”

If we could see ourselves as others do, what a difference that would make! We’d know when we’re being insensitive, when we are aggravating others, when we’re seen as less than truthful. We’d know when we were cute, handsome, pretty, or sexy. We’d know when we were being ugly.

Perhaps my daily prayer should be, “Lord help me to see myself as others see me.”

I’m not sure I could handle it if God granted me such a wish.

Could you?